Balticon and The Struggle with Doubt

So, maybe it’s time for me to share a dirty little secret…well, let’s go for two, shall we?

One: I am terrible at maintaining an irregular regular schedule.

What the heck does that mean?!?

Well, it means that my memory is absolutely horrific, and unless I do something VERY regularly, I forget how to do it relatively quickly. Then my standard human anxieties step in and take over the driving: I can’t remember how to do it (in this case, let’s say, to grab a random example out of the blue, how to publish a blog post on my web

site? Or, even better, why don’t we say something even more basic, like ‘how do I access even the most basic functions of my website?), and because I can’t remember how to do it, it will be VERY difficult to … do it … so I will definitely need some time to … figure out how to do it … so, instead of just DOING IT, when scheduled … how about I … set aside some time in the future to … figure out how to do it …

And once that loop establishes itself, it’s FAR easier to constantly worry about something, and fret over not having done it ad nauseum, than to actually buckle down and do it. Or, far worse, ask for someone’s help, again, after countless help sessions that have clearly so far done no real good in establishing practicable patterns of behavior in my addled brain.

And so here we end up: The best of intenti

ons (I’m going to post every other Wednesday no matter what!) leads me to a hell of my own devising (I’m never going to be able to remember out how to get onto that damned website; never mind navigate myself to the editing page!). Rinse, repeat.

And this is a TERRIBLE time for me to get into this rut! I just published my eighth (as far as the public is concerned) book, Team Zed: Shell Game! My ninth (as far as the public knows) book, For Jamaica, is coming out next month!

**Exciting Side Note: the fifth novel I ever wrote, henceforth to be called ‘The Phantom Fifth’, because I just thought of it and it amuses me, MIGHT actually get released from publishing purgatory, where it has languished for a

bout FIVE years, and see the light of day! Then all of this ‘as far as the public knows’ nonsense will be rendered moot!**

Anyway, so my latest book just got published last month, my next book is being published next month, and I just went to my first major non-gaming convention (Balticon: Sci-fi / Fantasy fandome con)! The momentum is in my favor! I need to strike while the proverbial iron is hot!

Or, you know, allow the moment to pass and just languish in my own foolish anxieties…

So, you see? I get it. I’m right there with you.

And my second confession goes hand

in hand with that first one: I have a VERY hard time thinking of myself as a writer. Never mind that my (technically) tenth novel is being published next month, or that I have hundreds of thousands of words published in gaming rulebooks and compendia across four different companies and at least eight different gaming properties, at last count…

Nevertheless, my mind balks whenever I talk to people about what I do, and I try to force myself to say ‘writer’.

That, among many other reasons, is why I REALLY wanted to go to Balticon. I AM a writer. That is self-evident and provable in any cour

t of law.

I’m not going to delve into WHY I have this problem, by the way. Not today.

So I have to FORCE myself to say I’m a writer, as the father of all imposter complexes sits on my chest screaming into my rigidly-smiling face.

So, what better way to deal with that than to go to a convention where I was going to HAVE to introduce myself, AS A WRITER, over and over again, ALL WEEKEND LONG!?!

I figured, I’d either give myself a heart attack from the cognitive dissonance, or I’d get used to the idea, once again, that I AM a writer, an

d Bob would end up being my proverbial uncle! (As opposed to my actual father-in-law, which he, in fact, is).

I had a great time in Baltimore: the location of my first con experience as an adult gamer (went to one college convention once when I was in high school, but back then it was D&D and Axis & Allies [and a little Fortress America and Broadsides and Boarding Parties] as the extent of my gaming experience). The whole local gang and I went to Games Day US back in 1999. That was the year I won my bronze Golden Daemon, in fact! We had a great time along the waterfront, and I remember it fondly to this day!

So it was interesting, going back. Although I must say, the intervening twenty+ years have wrought some massive changes to the area.

I had Karen and Rhys with me, so the road trip was fun, and my downtime at night was good.

I got to spend a LOT of time with Vince Rospond, my publisher and friend, and a longtime fan of our podcast (thed6generation.com, check it out for Not-Too-Horrible geek culture and gaming

content!), and Bill Anderson, another friend through the show from way-back, and the first reviewer to ever review any of my books.

Anyway, hanging out with Vince and Bill was great fun, and chatting with the other writers scattered across two different vendor halls was enjoyable and insightful. I appreciated spending time with all of them, and wish I had been able to spend more.

But most of all, I enjoyed hawking Winged Hussar (pronounced HUS-er, by the way, as opposed to hus-SAR, as I’ve been saying it for over ten years…) books to the eager convention-goers. I even sold quite a few of my own!

Signing books is still a rush, and I can’t deny it.

Why would I? Because that nasty self-doubting monster is lurking in the back of my head? Well, screw him!

I love signing books for people!

OK, that officially makes this the longest blog post I’ve ever written here, by quite a bit.

TLDR: Don’t be shy, and don’t be worried! Just DO the STUFF!

And definitely do as I say and not as I do…

Now, to see if I remember how to get onto my website and publish a blog post…

Now, YOU, go WRITE!

Until next time (hopefully two Wednesday’s from now…)!

~Craig

PS-I didn’t remember … took another week.

PPS-The struggle is real…